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[28 Aug 2007|04:43pm]
One Christmas at midnight on the button, at the old place, the ward door blows open with a crash, in comes a fat man with a beard, eyes ringed red by the cold and his nose just the color of a cherry. I see he's all tangled in the tinsel Public Relation has been stringing all over the place, and he's stumbling around in it in the dark. He's shading his red eyes from the flashlights and sucking on his mustache.

"Ho ho ho," he says. "I'd like to stay  but i must be hurrying along. Very tight schedule, ya know. Ho ho. Must be going..."

The black boys move in with flashlights. They kept him with us six years before they discharged him, clean shaven and skinny as a pole.

- One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, pg. 70.

Good book. VASTLY different from the movie. A little sexist and a lot racist [in accordance with the characters]. But good story and good message, none the less. Read it and finished it in a day. 

[and excuse my outburst of a few days ago... sometimes... IT gets to you.]
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[13 Aug 2007|07:12pm]

I just want to be an ARTIST and not have to sell my soul to do it.

Actually. I just want to LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE without having to sell my soul.

I just want to fucking paint and write and not have to get involved with anyone. I don't want to freelance. i don't want to be a part of that network. i don't want to enter some contest. i don't want reproductions, and i don't want to sell the originals either!

I just want to sit around in my pretty little yellow room with the skinny little hardwood tiles and paint... while Sinead stares at me. Thats it.




no, really.

I'm a fucking walking cliche.
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[10 Aug 2007|11:20am]
- "Um, she's, uh, a little upset.  Um, I, I guess, well, because, um,well, never mind."

- "No, what?

- "Um, I, I guess she figures, you know, um, uh, why didn't you...you call, or something."

- "Yeah, that makes sense. [pause] She just, she, like, wanted me to
meet her parents. I just...I, I, I, I wasn't in the mood, you
know? It's like, she, she's, I don't know, she knows too much
about me, or something. I know, not really, but...she just makes
too big a deal out of everything. I mean, she makes everything...
too complicated. Anyway."
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[09 Aug 2007|09:30pm]
"But that's the part that's so unfair. 
I have nothing else on my mind.
How come I have to be the one sitting around
analyzing him in like microscopic detail,
and he gets to be the one with other things on his mind."
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[03 Aug 2007|06:02pm]
Despite the small instances when i think my life might actually improve... change... get better... it never does.

I've realized my life is progressively getting worse.

The older i get the worse everything gets. I become more bitter. more depressed. more anti-social, crippilingly so. There are moments that make me think i've improved... but i haven't.

I'm getting uglier and more undesirable.

Meaner... lonely...

Increasingly devoid of talent and oppurtunity...

I have so little hope left...

The world is a disgusting place. I hate everyone. I hate everything.

The only things that are worth living for i can't have and i can't do and i can't achieve.

I want to opt out. I want to stop feeling sick.
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[31 Jul 2007|01:44pm]
-"Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?"

-"All the time, man. Like everyday. I wonder how you like me."

-"How could Debbie like me? She likes me. She loves me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. Thats our biggest problem. And i can't even accept that? Like, that upsets me?"


-"She's the one. She loves me."

-You can't believe that people love you? I love you, man. Debbie loves you!"

-"I don't think i can accept her love. There's something wrong with me."
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[10 Jul 2007|11:54pm]
"You know why you dismiss the girls you're attracted to? The same reason you would never consider dating a fat girl. You're a worthless piece of shit."

... or something like that. 

...a small clipping from a free paper here in Boston. 

My life story, basically.

We're going to Maine in a few days...

and i don't know what to do.
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[28 May 2007|02:53pm]
Salvia divinorum has given me unforgettable experiences of deep meaning and healing, enabling me to better understand my relationship to the web of life, the ground of being. Salvia has, literally, brought me back to life, to utter freedom, to clarity of mind, to profound peace. These persisting benefits are not Salvia-dependent. I will always remember, and cherish, and be profoundly grateful, for what Salvia has helped me be able to see: the oneness of life, the sacredness of life. Salvia has taken me to the living truth.
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[23 May 2007|12:51pm]


my motherfucking computer is being RETARD SLOW.


i'm in a shitty mood. This is the week of my vacation. after this week is over, that's it... 2 more weeks and we're gone.

I've got so much shit to get done.

I need to re-paint my van. It looks like fucking shit. I tried to do some the other day but i fucking hate it.

I don't know what to do...


I'm becoming more and more pissed off at people adnt the state of the world everyday.

I'm trying not to think that there's no hope, that there's nobody worth anything... but

someone prove me wrong.

for the love of god.

Sometimes i think i'm brilliant and creative and all that stupid artistic crap...

but most of the time i think i'm already washed up... creatively dead... reminiscent, nostalgic, and not coming up with anything new.

I'm just really full of rage right now.

I hate everyone.

like, a lot.
all the time.

I hate people.

myself most of all. 


shut up and fuck off.

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[28 Apr 2007|09:17am]
On a rocket to
The Fourth Dimension
Total self awareness
The intention

My mind is as clear as country air
I feel my flesh, all colors mesh

All the clouds are cumuloft
Walking in space
Oh my God your skin is soft
I love your face

How dare they try to end this beauty?

To keep us under foot
They bury us in soot
Pretending it's a chore
To ship us off to war

In this dive
We rediscover sensation

Walking in space
We find the purpose of peace
The beauty of life
You can no longer hide

Our eyes are open
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[25 Apr 2007|08:07pm]

I can’t remember the last time I hugged someone and really meant it. I can’t remember the last time I told my mom or dad I loved them. The thought of those words coming out of my mouth… looking into their eyes, being sincere, is embarrassing. Everyday I can see the depression welling up inside my mom… her hurt and disappointment with life clearly displayed on her face. Not once can I offer anything… I can’t even manage to do the few common courtesy things expected of me. Can’t even clean up after myself. Can’t make the very minimal changes, take the extra few minutes… and stop the perpetual hurt. I know every choice there is to make. I am not forgetful when it comes to these things. I make the bad decision in cases when I know the ultimate outcome. I purposefully procrastinate. Continuously do the same old things and fall into the same old patterns. I’m afraid something is wrong with me. Why can’t I just decide to make the right choice? Why can’t I manage a simple I’m sorry? Even now… the thought of apologizing is one of the scariest I can imagine. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I can’t be sincere because I can’t admit to my shortcomings. Even now I know I will not change. A sudden change now would somehow diminish who I am. I don’t even know how and I know just typing that is ridiculous. Why would I choose the hard path? The hurtful way? How can I stand myself and continue to hurt everyone around me? Why am I so cold and fake? I have so much empathy and hope and ideals for humanity, and I can’t even show it to the ones who deserve it in my life. Sometimes I don’t even think I care about anyone, really. I’m just selfish. And maybe that’s all it is. But I don’t want to be this in between. This guilty selfish. I either want to not care or just be how I should be. I want to be that person who can just go apologize right now… but I just can’t. Why is the thought of it so cripplingly scary? I just want to be how I want to be and I want to do what I want to do… and I want things to be the way I want them. I’m the only one standing in my way. And that’s what makes all of this so sick. It’s like being an alcoholic, or some sort of addict, I would imagine… but what am I addicted to? Am I a masochist? I just wish I were a nice person. I wish I could act like a human. I wish I could show real emotion. I just wish I could take it all back. Start over. Go back ten years and do it all over. I don’t know why I’m like this. I’ve got a wall of pride and hurt and just… bitterness built up… I’m lazy to my own detriment. And not only to my own detriment, I’ve realized, but to the detriment of everyone around me. I don’t think I’ve realized how horribly messed up I am until just this moment. I’ve joked about being a social retard… and emotionally fucked… but I really am. And it’s not funny. It’s pathetic. It’s sad. It’s unforgivable. I’ve done horrible things to people. The worst kind… like a slow hurt... dug emotional holes that I’ll never fill. I just want to stop feeling this way.

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[18 Apr 2007|09:51pm]


Here's the deal.

As you may have heard.

In less than 2 months I am taking off... wherever... whenever...

along with a few others... YOU [if you want].

June 10th. It's a sunday.

I can't continue to live my life the way i've been living it.

Spouting "radical" ideas while everyday i go and work for...


so to speak.

My life is now...

and i've nothing to lose.

I'm packing up a few belongings... saving up some money...

and getting on with it.

It's impractical, irrational, and completely insane...

If compared with the status quo, that is...

STOP institutionalizing yourself, playing into the system, becoming just another gear churning along in the giant machine of this corupt way of life...

We, as the young generation have the power... and yet...

we follow in the mundane footsteps of our elders.

Regurgitating their beliefs.

Ignorant to the core.


Completely out of touch.

The world is how we make it, and we have just killed 30 of our own. [yeah, you read that right. we as a society are to blame.]

It's a call to change.

A call for action...

drop out.

quit your job.

get out there...

Live your life the way you want to live it.

Don't be restricted by the rules of the authority...

LAUGH in there faces.

I read somewhere recently that the only thing cops are afraid of is losing their jobs.

remember that.

They've got fake power. guns and badges.

WE'VE got the real power.

We've got hope.

We've got our ideals, our beliefs...

It baffles those living in the sysytem when someone can so blatantly disregard everything they've worked their whole lives to achieve.

They've done everything to fit in. to climb the social ladder. to impress their teachers and their bosses...

We've got a nation of prisoners.

An America under the thumb of balding white men.

Our president, a coward killing in the name of "freedom".

And we, the young, the agile, the ones who can actually affect change... the ones who aren't supposed to be hardened by life...

we sit back and work our corporate jobs.

just to pay the rent.

They have us exactly where they want us.


going to church, enrolling in their educational INSTITUTIONS, working their minimum wage jobs...

they've made us the slaves.

And we sit back and believe, actually BELIEVE that it is our place...

until we can work our way up the ladder, that is.

until we can take their places.

Generation after generation, perpetuating the same archaic beliefs.


and thats why i'm going... to spread this fucking message.

because the motherfucking nation needs this message.

I'll be that crazy motherfucker on the news.

I'll be the martyr.

I'll be persecuted, i'll be hated, i'll do whatever it takes to affect change, i'll fight and struggle...

Nobody's bringing me down, and nobody's going to get me to sell out or fade out.

This motherfucking country needs a revolution.

I'll do it by myself if i have to.

I'd rather die with the world hating me than live a disgusting hypocritical life as a slave to the smug, cackling old men who run this country.

I sound self righteous, because i am.


Now HEY!

who's with me?


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[19 Mar 2007|05:41pm]
me: both of them! lets not forget i'm no where near over him. so now its like double abandonment! i don't understand. it makes me feel like i'm a fucking horrible person... like wtf did i do to them? wtf is wrong with me? why the fuck do they get to be fine with never talking to me and i have to fucking suffer? i don't understand

Jessica: I know i know.... And i wish you didnt have to feel that way... It's never a good feeling. But serisously there is someone who wont be able to get enough of you. And i can't guarantee when or who. But I DO KNOW that you are an amazing and i mean AMAZING person. And to be honest I dont think they could handle you. You're a strong woman and you need a strong man with a brain
Jessica: seriously

me: i think man with a brain is an oxymoron

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[18 Mar 2007|08:48pm]
Since i effectively missed new years by going to bed at 9 o'clock, i've decided to re-do it. more or less. Mostly i've decided to make some resolutions. Which i don't really do... ever. It's kind of setting yourself up for failure and everytime i've made a resolution in life i regret it.  Well, i don't really regret it, i just never really follow through or i change my mind... and i feel dumb about having made it in the first place.  But whatever. I keep thinking of things i need to do. things that will make me feel complete. things to make me feel like i'm accomplishing something, doing something with my life. from little things to big things... all equally as important. This is so cliche but i need to "work on me". I have potential, damnit... and i'm wasting my life away. wasting my potential. I have undeniably shallow goals with a lot ot it, i'll admit. But at the moment i don't care. I'm over feeling judged by others. I'm over feeling like i have to act a certain way. I'm so over feeling insecure. I'm going to just fucking do what will make me happy. Or atleast, i plan to make myself into the image i have of myself. Turn myself into the ideal. And as soon as i start to feel discouraged i've got a solution. Fuck them all... i'm going to be better than them.
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What do i gotta do to make it work out?? [18 Mar 2007|06:31pm]
I think I feel a little hurt.
My fists are turning coal to diamonds.
Why no one told me so much work
Would all go into tryin'?
Oh, but those feelings ain't the same.
How some things never change.
Well, nobody's perfect.
And I knew better

I thought about it 'til my head hurt.
I thought about it but it only made things worse.
I thought about it 'til my head hurt.
I thought about it but it only made things worse.

So I was wrong.
What could I do?
I knew all along.
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[17 Mar 2007|03:58am]

I fucking hate people. I hate that no one knows how to be honest. It's not fucking hard.

They're all fucking assholes.

I'm done. and i give up.

I don't care anymore.

I'm getting out of this motherfucking cycle where all i do is fucking hurt myself because i trust in another person.

I'm tired of being hopeful only to be fucking crushed.

I don't get to be happy. And its fine, fuck it.

I don't want to try anymore because its not worth it.

It will never work out. 

...and thats what discouraged, disgruntled, and dissapointed sounds like.

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[14 Mar 2007|10:23am]
I tried to find someone, someone who knew, somebody to give myself to. I learned the hard way, when you give yourself away you give away your life too. Nowhere to run from myself, nowhere to hide from the truth.
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Aisumasen [26 Feb 2007|12:34pm]
It's hard enough I know just to feel your own pain
All that I know is just what you tell me
All that I know is just what you show me


We all walk our separate ways
I don't know why
I hope we meet again
Somewhere some day
I can't change the way you feel
It doesn't have to be this way

Forget about
The things I said
I make no
Excuse for them
I want to start again


Your smell I could not forget,
that's as close as i could get you were so fucking cool.
I'm no good, you're no better, wouldn't we be perfect together?
All I wanted was a piece of your heart, you left me torn apart.
Fuck the rest before me and their crimes,
for your love I'll serve their time I'm no good, you're no better
wouldn't we be perfect together?
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[24 Feb 2007|08:37am]
Well you can fight or you can run,
Hide under a rock til the war is won,
Play it safe and don't make a sound,
But not us we won't back down
True believers all the way,
You and I...

We live our life in our own way,
Never really listened to what they say,
The kind of faith that doesn't fade away
We are the true believers
We are the true believers
True believers
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[23 Feb 2007|10:57am]
I keep having nightmares. Which is so unlike me. Usually my dreams are fucking awesome fantasies that i get to live out... and then i wake up and realize how much my life fucking sucks ass. 

So, lately... i've been having bad dreams. and when i wake up i'm relieved and happy about my life.

Now don't get me wrong, this is a good thing... but its weird.

For once my life is fufilling the fantasy, i guess. 

Thats fucking awesome, you know?

Things are falling into place. and everything makes sense and fits so well... I'm trying not to build myself up...

I don't know...

But i'm really fucking happy.
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